Thirty years is a lot of time to reflect on. I'm grateful for all of it, the experiences I enjoyed and the ones I didn't, because each one shaped how I see the world and who I'm becoming.
We are, in large part, our experiences: what we lived through, what we felt about it, and what we chose to do once we'd thought it over. Here are thirty lessons I've picked up along the way. I don't offer them as rules. They're notes from someone still learning, and I hope a few of them help you on your own path.
On yourself
- Everyone is human. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. Start by extending that grace to yourself.
- Your daily decisions will make or break you. The big moments get the attention, but it's the small choices, repeated, that decide where you end up.
- Persistence is the key to any great and lasting achievement. Talent opens the door. Persistence is what keeps you in the room.
- Friction is essential to growth. If nothing is pushing back, you're probably not stretching.
- We are all a little toxic. Admitting that is the first step to doing better.
- Ego is useful, but without empathy and compassion it can do real damage. Confidence needs care beside it.
- Imbalance is the true nature of things. Balance, like perfection, is a great ambition that's rarely reached. Aim for it anyway, and forgive yourself when you miss.
- Success is self-defined. Don't borrow someone else's scoreboard.
- Comparison is a sure way to lose self-respect and self-esteem. The only fair comparison is with who you were yesterday.
- Hard work is only part of the success equation. Inner work is the rest.
On people
- No matter how much you love someone, they have to love themselves enough to change. Letting go can be healthy, necessary and worth it.
- You can't change people. It's hard enough changing yourself.
- Family matters. Treasure the people who treasure you. This one is backed by evidence: the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest studies of adult life, found that close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives (opens in a new tab).
- The people closest to you shape you. I used to call this a law. I've softened on that, but the research points the same way. A 20-year study of 4,739 people in the Framingham Heart Study found that happiness spreads through social networks (opens in a new tab), and that a nearby friend who becomes happy raises your own chances of being happy. Choose your circle with care.
- Good people exist. Go out and find them.
- Friendships fade if they aren't watered, or if their roots grow in different directions. Both are natural. Neither is a failure.
- Ambition isn't everything. Care about people.
- You can embrace someone's opinion without accepting it. Listening is not the same as agreeing.
- Some people will see your help as hurt, your kindness as weakness, or your standards as control. Be yourself anyway.
On work
- Following instructions matters more to success than being a maverick. Learn the rules well before you decide which ones to break.
- It always takes longer than you think, so plan for delays. This isn't only my experience. In one well-known study, students predicted they would finish their theses in about 34 days on average, and actually took about 56 (opens in a new tab). Researchers call it the planning fallacy, and it affects nearly all of us.
- Actions speak in a way words never can.
- Potential means nothing on its own. Only what you do with it counts.
- Most people don't want to change. They want the results that change brings. Be honest about which one you're after.
- Knowing when to give up is as important as knowing when to try again. Persistence and stubbornness look alike from the outside, but they aren't the same.
On life
- Life is hard, and stubbornness makes it harder. Bend where you can.
- Complaining is a waste of consciousness. Use that energy to change what you can.
- Language is an art, and mastering it is like mastering strategy. Part of that mastery is knowing when silence says more than words.
- Sometimes you have to let go of how you dreamed things would be, so you can wake up to something better.
- Tomorrow isn't promised. Do today what matters most.
Before you go
If I had to boil all thirty down to one idea, it would be this: take responsibility for your own growth, and be generous with the people you share the road with. The rest tends to follow.
Which of these speaks to you most? I'd love to hear the lessons your own years have taught you.
– KB